Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Inspiration Ruts and Lost Time

I apologize for the sincere lack of posting that's been going on here.

Normally I have many things to share - which I still do. I simply have no time to post any of my thoughts lately, or write them out in a vaguely coherent and eloquent fashion. I have many articles and things I want to post here, but I will need to wait until I have a significant break in my time.

I feel as if I have been wasting my life away reading. By the end of this semester, I fully expect to have read a forest's worth of books.

Bogged down with easily 70 pages or more a night to notate and answer questions on, combined with working as the photography teaching assistant at night, there's been little time for myself. What time I do have, I've spent being social with my friends and boyfriend, mostly on weekend nights and at meals.

Meanwhile, my photography has gone to the wayside. I have produced little in the way of personal work (as my daily tumblr shows - most recent postings in the past month have all been old). I have produced even less in the way of schoolwork. My study is suffering of my lack of inspiration. Never have I felt such little will or motivation, or lack of ideas. Though I have worked well to explain the origins and ideas as well as inspirations behind my DayDream Photo project (what my study is an extension of), nothing I've seen in recent days have pushed me to produce any more. My one shoot so far was failed - though I liked the outcomes enough for myself, it was not the right mood I needed to present. I fear the subject matter I seek is hard to produce and find in such cold and snowy seasons, when the moments I search for are much more present in the warm weather. Though I know my spring break must be a productive time, as it is the only week I will be able to travel, nearly the rest of my spring is going to be consumed in nothingness if all continues the way it is now.

Friday at midday, all of the other students in study are meeting with our professor, Kyle. Though I managed to avoid implications of meeting last week, this week we are told to bring in many many images to show, since much time has passed since out initial meeting. I have simply nothing, except old photos. Though I do wish to use things from my winter break in the final collection, nothing new has been produced - and everyone will know this. I am disheartened to know I will be seeing Kyle's disappointed face in this near future.

What is most disappointing to myself is the fact that photography, my usual love and passion, is the very subject that has slipped to the lowest ring of my totem poll. In the hierarchy of classes that matter to me, it's facing the bottom. In order to stay afloat in my many other academic classes, I have spent hours reading and writing, and being a very diligent student. It has been since freshman year that I have taken classes that aren't studio art classes, so being the good student is something I haven't done in a long time. I need to work hard to make sure I complete these classes with good grades - simply because I do not want them to act as a GPA sink, nor do I want to sink low enough to be denied Rome come springtime. Maybe being on highest honors dean's list has spoiled me, but I like the rewards of working hard. If I can manage all these classes, my senior year will not need to have so many credits packed in.

And yet, here I am, pretending I have time to fit all five classes. I do not. My camera has lay here, day after day, nearly collecting dust. When I depend on the daylight hours for my work, it is even harder paired with the season. My daylight hours are spent in class and working, and I simply have no time until late night or early morning to relax. And then, it is too late; even if I had ideas it's well past sunset.

If you've gotten to the end of this, I thoroughly commend you. I'm pretty sure my pouring of fears and uninspirational complaints is not much in the way of uplifting or interesting, but I simply offer it as a long explanation as to my lack of presence here.

Hopefully sometime soon, I will be writing on the interesting things I've been learning in my hard work, and sharing a few things in the coming weeks.

1 comment:

  1. Keep on doing what you're doing: studying diligently. That's your job now. And it will pay off. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and I am happy for you. It'll be over soon if you do it right the fist time around, as opposed to going back to school and changing careers all your life (like me). Best of luck!